I’m kind of an open book, to be honest. And especially recently, with this whole project, I’ve developed this thing where I’m quite transparent about how I’m feeling.
So when you ask me, “Who am I when no one is watching?”, I don’t want to be reductive and say I’m exactly the same person you see every day, inside and outside, because that wouldn’t be true. BUT I do think that, to some extent, I’m not hiding that much. I’m pretty open.
When I’m feeling like shit, apart from in very professional environments where I think it’s important to keep your head up, I’ll tell my close friends that I feel like shit. I’m obviously trying to learn how to do that without draining the people around me, because one thing I really hate is the idea of being an energy sucker. But anyways.
When no one is watching, I’m messy. For sure.
I’m an incredibly messy person, and that’s actually something people don’t really see because it’s something I struggle with. I avoid inviting people to my apartment sometimes because I really suffer from the disorganisation of my objects, my things, my space.
Maybe it’s because I own an absurd amount of stuff. Maybe it’s because, as one of my friends I interviewed for Palomita once told me, I’m a serial hoarder.
It’s crazy how much stuff I have and how quickly I can create complete chaos around myself. It is so, so easy for me to get messy.
When no one is watching, I think I show my fears more.
I’m also very impulsive. I have impulsive thoughts and I do impulsive things, and some of those things I’m really not proud of. I’m absolutely the kind of person who, if I’m feeling slightly insecure, might stalk the ex-girlfriend of someone I’m interested in. I’m not proud of that, but I’ll admit it here.
Actually, a lot of the things I do when no one is watching are things I’m slightly ashamed of.
Apart from stalking someone’s profile, I might spend hours on Vinted or Vestiaire Collective because I’m obsessing over my style. Also not particularly proud of that.
And then there’s the opposite version of me.
When no one is watching, sometimes I’m so obsessively organised that I think it could scare people. I can spend hours sorting my Google Drives, my photos, my Notes app, papers, notebooks, folders. Everything.
I don’t really show that side of myself because I think people would think I’m crazy or a complete control freak.
And it’s kind of insane to be both the messiest person alive and also a control freak, but apparently that’s just how my brain works.
When no one is watching, I sing a lot. And play my piano. And record myself singing and playing the piano. Sometimes I dance around my apartment too, to the complete disbelief of my dog.
My dog is my number one audience. She gets private concerts every night, sometimes dance performances too, and I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m not particularly normal. I don’t think she’s very normal either, so maybe that’s where she got it from. And besides, normal is boring.
When no one is watching, I think about past lovers. Even though outside, around people, I’ll probably swear that I’m completely unaffected.
When no one is watching, I can replay the same song for hours and hours and hours. Shapeshifter by Lorde. Striptease by FKA twigs. Basically anything by Gracie Abrams.
When no one is watching, there might be one, two, or six coffee cups sitting on my table for several hours until I finally decide it’s time to wash them or put them in the dishwasher. Except I can’t put them in the dishwasher because the dishwasher is already full of clean things that I still haven’t taken out.
When no one is watching, I make itineraries and city guides for places I want to go to.
When no one is watching, I rot in bed on TikTok. Although lately my TikTok has become genuinely toxic, feeding me unrealistic beauty standards and eating-disorder content, so I’m trying to stay off it.
When no one is watching, I talk to my recorder. The same recorder you’re going to talk to very, very soon.
When no one is watching, I cry.
I’m a big crier.
And I look at myself in the mirror while I cry.
And sometimes I take selfies of myself crying.
I think you got a lot of answers.
I think we’re good.
