I think quite a lot of me was hidden when you met me, but I’m not sure I knew what I was hiding.
I think I was intimidated by you. In my head, you were just so fucking cool. The way you dressed, the way you spoke, the things you knew. You seemed so interesting and intellectual, and I think I was scared that if I showed you too much of myself, I would somehow disappoint you.
So maybe I edited myself around you. Maybe I borrowed interests because I wanted to meet you where you were. Maybe I pretended to understand things before I actually did. I think I wanted very badly for you to find me interesting too.
But what makes it strange is that I was also incredibly open with you. Especially after lockdown, when we really started talking, I remember telling you things that were very intimate, very quickly.
So I think I was hiding and revealing myself at the same time.
Maybe the parts I showed you were real, just carefully chosen. And maybe the parts I hid were real too, but I hadn’t learned yet how to let them exist in the same room.
