LUDOVICO: I met you a year and a half ago, and since then, I’ve watched you change in so many ways—some beautiful, some more difficult. Why?
You recently told me that the person you are now feels closer than ever to who you truly are. But I can’t help thinking that the person you were before, the person that I met, still lives somewhere inside you too.
Why do you feel so detached from her?
YASMINA: Painful question, very. Thanks, BOBO :)
This question was so fucking hard to answer. I think, compared to one year ago, there have been massive changes in my emotional sphere. There’s been a massive heartbreak, expectations I had that failed, and I think all of that inevitably changed the way I relate to myself and to other people.
But I also think I slightly disagree with the premise of the question, because I don’t know if I actually feel detached from the person you met a year and a half ago.
I think this voice I have now was always in me. It was there then too. But a year and a half ago I was muffling it. I was maybe trying much harder to project an image of everything being, I hate the word perfect, but aligned. My life being aligned, me being aligned, everything somehow making sense.
The shit that you see now, the blood and the spit and the pain and the wounds that are still open and bleeding and the scabs that I’m still picking at, I think all of that existed then too.
Maybe because we had just met, maybe because I was in this mindset of not wanting to be exposed, I didn’t want you to see it.
And then I think the pain and the massive heartbreak, without going too much into my private or intimate sphere because the people who know will know which characters in the story I may or may not be referencing, made all of it blast open. This immense pain didn’t necessarily create those wounds but it did make me want people to see them. I want you guys to see the wounds and see how scarred I think I am. Not in a vengeful way. I think it became almost a visceral, primal instinct to stop hiding them.
I’ve spent a lot of my life adapting to different fragments and ideas and people and fictions. I identify a lot with this idea of changing forms/shapes a lot, with the idea of being someone who can adapt to many places and many people. And I think at some point I just snapped. And when I snapped, it was almost like: woah. Okay. This is what this feels like.
Honestly Ludo I don’t think the person you saw last year disappeared. The hopefulness and the romanticism and the optimism, I don’t think any of that is gone. I think it shifted.
And, actually, I think it’s coming back. Also through this project, in a way. Just in a more responsible, aware and raw form.
So maybe... ritiro cosa ti ho detto, I don’t feel detached from her as much as I feel detached from the version of myself I was trying to show you then.
Good night !!!
